My mum gave me this book for Christmas and I want to cry.
I thanked her and said that’s very kind, but I probably won’t read it as it’s part of a culture of normalising heavy drinking amongst mothers. She has now spent half of the afternoon telling me how hilarious this blogger/author is (I read a few pages to check it is what I thought it is – it’s awful- it’s like FML this, I need wine, men are shit, I hate the school holidays, blah blah – it’s basically a caricature of the old ME before I quit drinking 20 months ago!).
I had a horrible feeling she was going to give me this book, as she’d been talking about this “hilarious” book she’d found for me for ages. When I was 6 months sober they gave me a champagne diet joke on a card. My parents are sweet people with good intentions and I don’t want to hurt their feelings. That’s why I smile and say “thank you”, but then to try to educate them with a polite subsequent, “but….it’s not really my sort of thing”.
My mum has actually READ some of my blog posts where I explicitly talk about how much this shit offends me. I don’t think they get that alcohol nearly killed me; I was suicidal when I quit, and I’m still learning to be just about “OK” as a sober person.
Why would they give this stuff to me? WHY? What’s wrong with a pretty scented candle or a cookbook? Some cheap perfume or better, a charity donation?
There a million and one daft presents that won’t make a person in recovery cry or feel misunderstood like this! I feel like it mocks me and my sobriety, and it mocks the pride I feel about my sobriety. Am I just a joke to them?
Sorry to sound ungrateful but I needed to tell you all as an outlet. Thank you. I feel better now.
Happy Christmas, beautiful people. Xxx
Ultraviolet Sobriety 
I am sorry they don’t understand. I think you’re inspirational and brave for sharing! It takes a lot to overcome an addiction and you are rocking it! Hold your head up and enjoy the rest of your Christmas.
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Aw, thanks so much Leslie, I appreciate it. Merry Christmas to you. Xxx
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Ouch. You are right about the culture being unaware of alcohol jokes. And we are super sensitive when we are going through something. If your car broke down, or you started the kitchen on fire or you broke your arm tripping on your high heels – you will inevitably get a card, gift, joke about that thing. In fact, I just made a stupid joke on my cousins facebook page & I’m totally regretting it! Glad you could talk it out on here instead of losing it with them!
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Thanks so much. Happy Christmas xxx
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My heart goes out to you … congratulations on your sobriety ….the TRUTH is that your birth family May never get you or your struggles.Life is ultimately between you and God and finding a TRIBE of like minded people so you can reach your own potential. My prayers are with you and your family.
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Thank you so much for your understanding and prayers, Beth! Happy Christmas xxx
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Wow! Those are nasty presents. 😦 Specifically because she has read your blog. 😦
You are not a joke and you are not ungrateful. What you have done, being sober, is fantastic!! 🙂 What happens now (in my not so humble opinion) is that you run into another wall of denial; that of your mother’s. And that hurts – like crazy if I am not mistaken…?
The longer I am sober, the more I see that addiction is a family disease. Addiction hardly happens in constructive, healthy families. It means that a family exists of people who are (or were) in active addiction and people surrounding this person who are:
– in active addiction,
– creating (parts of) the addiction in others by actively breaking down people or withholding support where they should have (drinking parents to children, spouse to spouse),
– feeding the addictive personality,
– maintaining the status quo/denial of addiction,
– sabotaging sobriety.
Unfortunately all these are and/or but a lot of time and and and.
Obviously AA and everybody teaches responsibility for self, but looking at family dynamics can give a lot of info. My guess is your mother is a little or a lot too much into booze herself and wants you in her drinking camp again – a concious or subconcious attempt to sabotage your sobriety. 😦
I hope my reply brings you some clarity and possibly power to help strengthen your boundaries. Well, I would have felt rather damaged if my mom would have sprung this on me. 😦 Lucky my mom quit herself before I did so she knew some stuff about being sober.
Hope my words are of some help to you, if it is all too harsh or direct, please delete.
xx, Feeling
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Thank you so much for such an insightful post. My mum has never been a drinker, but a lot of this applies nonetheless. Both of my parents are compulsive overeaters who intermittently have managed to improve this… I feel like my mum is trying to slowly kill herself with chocolate since her diagnosis with type 2 diabetes recently… So they are not strangers to addicted behaviour- but they are not the “therapy generation” … they are the “deny anything is wrong and close oneself off” generation. My mum also was someone who walked away from fantastic career prospects because her parents disapproved. I am someone who is trying to start a new ambitious career after having my kids, maybe that smarts a bit. I dunno. Happy Christmas. Xxx
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Oooh, chocolate and diabetis 😦 Sorry to hear. I just quit eating chocolate over a month ago. In the end I ‘used’ it in the same way I drank: to forget and to ‘not feel’.
Wishing you good luck with your new career. That is exciting! 🙂
xx, Feeling
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I can’t come up with anything good. My parents saw enough of me drunk to be happy when I quit… You don’t have to be a doormat, but don’t be one nicely.
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Thanks 🙂 xxx
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They don’t get it and may never. Stay strong, you are awesome.
Sorry, I am a woman of few, but aptly chosen words.
XxX
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Thanks Sobermooncat 🙂 xxx
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Hugs! xo
It’s wise to pick your battles. I think this is worth voicing a negative opinion about. My mother, sister, and husband each (separately) once told me matter-of-factly that I’d gained a lot of weight. I needed to hear that.
Your mum needs to hear this is not OK.
When I was overweight, inactive, and a daily drinker I was a people-pleaser. That got me anxiety and bad health.
I learned you need to set boundaries and say no as a form of self-care. Keep being good to yourself.
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Thanks so much Carol. X
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“The road to hell is paved with good intentions”… man people (including me) act like asses sometimes. That was brutal of your mom. But we are all ignorant until educated, and you are kind in being gracious while doing the hard work of educating. Keep up the good work — but be good to yourself first and foremost. What you’re doing is amazing. Protect your energy when necessary. Thank you so much for your inspiration
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Thanks! You’re so right about the energy protection. I’m getting better at this. I super hope that I’m not going to feel so hard work to be around for MY kids when they’re grown up. Perhaps I need to not overthink that one though, haha! Xxx
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Amen to that sister! I feel the same way on all counts. But something tells me your kids won’t have it too rough — quite the opposite. 🙂
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